Count It All Joy

What a weekend this was! I feel like I’ve grown as a person just over these past 3 days.

Friday night was definitely one for the books. It was one of those nights that you know will happen again, but you really wish you could just forget. My husband went out about 5:45 pm, and came home sometimes after 9 (I think! I honestly don’t know, time stopped the moment he was gone.) My son was having one of those “witching hour” nights, and my daughter was having one of those “I haven’t napped in 4 days and I’m so tired I can’t think straight” nights. I made her dinner and thought having some food in her belly would help her chill out. The problem was that her little brother wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. I had to be holding him with my boob out for him to stop. Yet even that only worked for a short time. He would just cry with my nipple in his mouth, and I cried because he just wasn’t stopping. I know that my reaction probably worsened his, but I am human and I have a limit.

Anyway, sissy maybe had three bites and decided she hated everything and starting crying non stop. What a joy our household was!! #sarcasm. She needed a bath and she needed bed. I didn’t give her a bath and I didn’t put her to bed. I just let them both scream while I put all of our pjs on, and sat the 3 of us in front of the tv at 9 pm. Terrible parenting decision on my part, but we all managed to regain our sanity for those 22 minutes. I finally just put her in her crib and let her cry. Thankfully my husband arrived shortly after with his new truck and big giant smile. He was so excited, and couldn’t wait to show me. But I had already decided around 7 that I was going to be angry at him. I tried hard to be awful, but his joy was infectious, and all I could muster was “I’m exhausted and it’s your fault somehow” level of anger. And I was so curious to see our new family vehicle, I couldn’t even hang at that level for long. I handed him the baby, and I went and grabbed our little lady from her crib.  As a family we went out and checked out the new rig. Our daughter thought all the climbing room was spectacular, and our son had no idea what was going on, just that he was enjoying the crisp night air. And I was like wow this is really nice, and might even be worth the awful night I had.  It was a full moon that night. Two of my sweet girls favorite things are the moon and the stars. Seeing the excitement on her face and hearing her say “look, the moon! Look, stars!” and pointing over and over again, all the tears and anxiety of the night earlier just washed away. My kids mean everything to me, and I love seeing the things that bring them happiness! It makes me feel so good inside to just let them be kids, let them discover on their own the things they enjoy.

Saturday we went for a spin, and I was in awe of how much room was in there! I could easily fit middle seat between two car seats! That would make my life so much easier (and a lot more comfy!). It was such a laid back day. We got nothing on our to-do list done, and I don’t regret a second of it. My husband is such a hands on father, and my children adore him!! Like, more than me. I’m convinced if he was able to lactate and breastfeed, my son wouldn’t care about me. And my daughter is goo goo eyed for her main man, her daddy ❤️. I realize so often that even in my trials, I am SO blessed! I am SO thankful! Life gets hard and it gets messy, and I have the best teammate to get through all the muck with! I love my husband more every single day! It always blows my mind how much he loves me too! I just count it all joy!

Saturday night I was channel surfing when I came upon The Passion of the Christ. If you haven’t seen it, I don’t know if I recommend it or not. It’s so painful to watch! I watched it because it’s been years since I saw it. My mom took me to see it in theaters, and that was the last time I remember seeing it. There were parts where I was physically uncomfortable in my body. Seeing the pain and torture He went through as a man, and knowing why He did it, it makes it a bit hard to breathe!

I’m thankful I stopped on that channel, because it reminded me of why we celebrate Easter Sunday. We celebrate because that man Jesus suffered and died for our sins. He gave it all so we could have it all. I fear pain, but I don’t fear death. I know I get to go to Heaven because I’ve given my life to the Lord, and Jesus paid for my salvation. Jesus saved me. Jesus is the reason I’m alive. Trying to grasp what He did, it’s a hard concept to fully swallow, to fully understand. But I know that I will forever follow Him and the footsteps He paved before me.

We had a lovely Sunday with my husband’s family. My daughter did her first egg hunt, and she rocked it! Granted her only competition was our dog, and we stopped her before she could get any, but hey that’s not the point here! All I can say is the same thing I said above. The joy and happiness on her face makes everything I do worthwhile. We also had some AMAZING food, and I ate wayyyy too much of course! I love holidays.

This weekend will go down as one of my favorites. Spending any amount of time with my family makes me feel so good, but this weekend held a lot of firsts, and I will grow as a person because of them.

And now we are back to the dreaded Monday. My husband left for work, as he always does on week days. But he and I got to enjoy breakfast and coffee together before our babes woke up, and it was such a wonderful time. Sweet Shiloh woke up a very happy girl, and Solomon gave me a handful of smiles when I got him out of bed. Peace filled me, and I feel ready to take on the day, good or bad. Thank you children for making my world go round 🌎.

Thank you Father for your Son, for my family, for my life. I have the opportunity to be married to the man of my dreams, and he works so hard I get to stay home and be with our kids. I get to be there for all their firsts. What a blessing my sweet life is ❤️

By grace through faith,

Becca

Sometimes I Suck

Sometimes I suck. Like, at writing this blog.  I have a lot of excuses as to why I suck at it, but the truth is I’m just terrible at time management.  It is something I’m really working hard on.

Sometimes I suck at running a household.  The dishes pile up, the laundry piles up, and the amount of toys and other clutter spread throughout my house is insanely out of control.  I have a million excuses as to why I didn’t get anything done, but the truth is, I’m lazy. And I do have 2 kids under 2, so yeah, that is  hard.

Sometimes I suck at being a good wife.  The truth is, my husband cooks 99% of the time.  I don’t have any excuses as to why.  I don’t know how to cook, and I don’t want to learn.  I don’t want to learn because I don’t like learning new things.  The reason for that is because I have a deep rooted fear of failure.  A fear of not being good. It comes out as a very competitive attitude, but really, I’m afraid to suck.  It’s followed me around my whole life.  I’m sure some people would be surprised by my lack of self confidence, I think I hide it well.

Sometimes I suck at being a mom.  There are days where I spend way too much time on my phone, whether it be social media, texting, or just browsing the internet. The truth is, I long for more real, raw friendships.  I hope for more grown up time.  But the truth truth is, I am so afraid to put myself out there. I am afraid of rejection. I fear the attention, the personal questions, the awkward beginning of all new relationships.

Sometimes I suck at following Jesus. I could make up a billion excuses, but the truth is, there is none.  Some days I have zero patience with my kids, with my husband.  Some days I literally explode and scream at them all for now reason.  I could say that “I can’t control my temper.” And while it does feel that way sometimes, it is absolutely not the truth.  I can control it.  It takes effort, and there’s times when I just don’t care, where I don’t want to try.  It feels good to be depressed and angry at times.  It feels good to just be a jerk.  The effort of controlling myself is too much for me to want to do.  I also can’t remember the last time I got in to the Word.  I have made no time lately to do any Bible studying. I can feel it.  My body and my mind are clouded.  My fuse went from fairly short to non existent. I can absolutely tell when I am far from God.  So can my husband.  I can not continue to live my life this way.  The negative effect it will have on my marriage and my children is too big of a burden to bare.

It’s not easy to admit this stuff out loud.  Even if no one ever reads this, I will know it’s “out there.”  I have been a slave to my anger, my sadness, my temper, my fears, my worries, my past, for far too long.  I am so ready to move forward.  I have said this for so long, I’ve said I so badly want to move away from my past.  But the truth is, I’m extremely afraid to let it go.  Who will I be when I resurface on the other side?  What will I have to hold on to?  What will I use an excuse for my poor behavior?  I’ve been hurt by people I loved, I have been hurt by people I thought would protect me.  But the truth is, I am always loved and I am always protected.

I have a husband and 2 sweet babies to hold on to.  I will no longer need excuses for my lack of self control. Sometimes I will still suck, because as humans we all suck sometimes.  And when I finally work up the courage to give away my complete heart and soul, I will have Him to love me, and Him to protect me.

When I started this post today, I really had no idea where I would go with it.  Honestly, I just wanted to make a post because it had been so long since I updated it.  Apparently I just felt like sharing how much I am lacking in all facets of my life.  But the good news is, everyday is new, and you can always change.  We have the potential to become a better version of ourselves everyday.  I hope that today is the day I plan to pick up the broken pieces of mine, and run head on as fast as I can in to the arms of the ones who love me.

This is real life. Sometimes I suck at it.  But I am so blessed, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to grow everyday.  His mercies are new every morning.

By grace through faith,

Becca

Struggles

Lately, I’ve been struggling. Somewhere along the road, I seem to have lost myself. This isn’t new information to me. I’ve been lost many times before. Perhaps it’s time that I find my home again.

May is a big month in my life. The 9th  of this year marks 4 years since I met my husband.  The 23rd is also the 4 year anniversary of my baptism, and the day I knew I loved Aaron.

I was totally crushing on this {older} guy in my bible study.  I spoke to him earlier in the day, and told him I was being baptized. He was sweet and kind, and brought some of our study friends to watch it. And he then held a BBQ in my honor after. Ain’t that just the cutest thing? One day I’ll delve in to this day more, but for now, it’s just an added little bonus about the wonderful heart of my man.

Anyway, in February of that year, I was going through one of the biggest heart breaks of my life.  I was engaged before I met my husband, and because of a really awful choice I made, that relationship was ended.  I never thought I would feel happy again.  But the truth is, I wasn’t happy.  I was more lost then, than I had ever been in my life.  I so badly wanted to seek God, but I was more interested in being loved by people.  I did things I didn’t want to do, because I was afraid of backlash. I was afraid I would not be interesting if I didn’t do what people (men mostly) wanted from me.  I had become someone I did not recognize.  I had absolutely no idea who I was.  My identity was completely erased, and I had become “whoever the person I was with wanted me to be.”

That is no way to live.  And while that heart break was so painful, those days after were so dark, I made the choice that I was done trying to configure my own life.  Everything I’d ever done leading up to this point in my life was wrong.  And I’m so thankful for God’s grace and mercy. Without that, who knows where I would be.  The most likely scenario is someone who is really deep in drugs and alcohol, and very used and abused by people. Because those things were the only way for me to escape. Of course as we all know, that only lasts for the duration of the drunken night, it only lasts for the length of that high.  You always have to go back for more.

More. That was the word of my life.  More boys, more mistakes.  More drinks, more hangovers.  More drugs, more guilt. As you can see, it was just a vicious cycle.  But then it became more God, more Jesus.  And that was THE BEST high I’d ever felt.  I needed more.  I HAD TO have more! But somewhere along the line, I’ve lost that overpowering need, that overpowering want for more of God.  And there lies the problem.

I had never felt so whole in my entire life. After that day of baptism, I felt like nothing could touch me. I felt like my life finally had meaning! And I yearn for that feeling again. I yearn for that deep drive down inside me that just has to have Jesus, the need for His word! Where did it go?

I will start by saying I absolutely, 1 million percent love my family. I have probably the kindest and most loving person on the planet as my husband.  I have two of the most incredible little people as my children.  Even our dog is the best dog ever!! But I can’t just be Aaron’s wife.  I can’t just be Shiloh and Solomon’s mom.  I can’t just be that lady with the labradoodle (people, she’s a Goldendoodle 😜). I’ve lost my drive for Jesus.  I’ve lost that fire within my soul.  And it’s not anyone’s fault but my own. But I’m just going to be honest.  I am overwhelmed with life. I have forgotten to take the time to read my Bible every morning because the only time I have to just sit and be alone is in the morning, which is when I used to do my study time. Now with kids, it’s my alone time.

Alone. Y’all I was the queen of being alone. I had mastered how to “look like I’m having a great time in a room full of people” but the truth was I was hurting so deeply inside and wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. I have the most wonderful siblings and some of the best friends in the world. Some I’ve known since I was a very young girl. I love them with all my heart. But I’ve done a great disservice to them. I’ve never let them in. Not completely. Not fully. I’ve never been just me. I’ve been who I though they wanted to me. And the few times they’ve seen the glimpses inside of me, they weren’t fun. They were full of tears and drunken stupors. But they’ve stuck by me and I’m forever grateful for them. I rarely ever am alone anymore. Like, at all. I did get a little mommy time last week, but I could really go for some more 🙌🏼. Even though I know I would spend the whole time wishing I was back home, it would still be nice to get a Target trip without two little and one big following me around asking me if I’m done yet (but I still love going with you babe).

I feel as if I may be getting off track and completely rambling, so please bear with me.  I feel like I have a point, but I lost it. Imagine that 😂.

I guess what I’m getting at is, life just gets too much sometimes. I’m buried in dishes, piles of laundry, toys, poopy diapers, doctors appointments, bills, wife duties, mommy duties, I feel that overwhelming feeling of just hoping the earth will swallow me up and leave me alone.  I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t know who I am.  Becca is once again lost.  And while it’s not anyone’s fault but my own, I’d really love a break to go and find her.  I used to spend hours sitting on the pier, Bible in hand.  Switching off reading and just staring out at the waves.  I feel guilty when I find myself longing for those moments again. But life was much simpler then, and I don’t think it’s a total sin to miss the days when life was just about me, and if I screwed myself up, it didn’t matter. Now when I screw up, 3 other people’s lives are affected.

My point of this isn’t to say “woe is me, life is hard, feel bad for me, wah wah wah.” It’s a reminder to myself that I’m lost because I’m trying to please the world again. I’m posting pictures of my husband and my kids and saying “look at how prefect my life is. Look I made these kids, I’m so great, everything is good, you all should like me.”  I look at my life, my “friends” on Facebook. My “followers” on Instagram.  None of that matters. None of it. Not even a little bit.  Like the amount that any of that stuff matters is so minimal I can’t think of anything to compare it to.  Then why does it feel so important?

As I’m typing this, one of my favorite worship songs just came on.  It’s called Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher. It says “when I can not stand, I’ll fall on You”. Coincidence? I think not. “My one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need you.”  This is literally what I’m trying to say. Eventually I will stop rambling, and this is what I will be saying.  I have let go of how much I need Him. I am allowing myself to be influenced by what this world is telling me is important. I feel lost because there is a spiritual battle going on inside myself. To be liked, or to be LOVED. I am trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mom, that I’m Fallon so incredibly short, it just makes me hate myself more. I spent most of my life fighting to be liked, when all I really ever needed to know was that I am LOVED. I am loved by the King of Kings.  I am the daughter of the King #thatmakesmeaprincessduh 👑! I will never be the prettiest, the skinniest, the amazing PTA mom who can hold three kids and two trays of gluten free, dairy free brownies (which I would never make because give me all the cows milk and fat, am I right?) but it’s okay. I don’t need to be that person.  I only need to be me.  Fully there for the ones I love and who love me.

I am encouraging myself, I am encouraging any of you, we must remember that we are not lost, we are not alone.  We are saved.  We have everlasting life.  This life, in the grand scheme of things, it really means nothing. Some of us will die young, some of us will live to be very old and we won’t be able to wait for the day we can leave these bodies. We must take heart in knowing that the battle has already been won. So what if we are never “instagramfamous”. Or if we are never real famous either. I look in front of me and I see the sweetest little angel face boy sleeping in his rock and play.  I am famous in his eyes. I am his favorite person.  I am not a lost soul to him.  I can also hear my favorite girl in her crib, not napping of course, because she hates naps. If I do everything wrong as a mother, that’s okay. My goal is to make sure my kids never feel that lost feeling.  My goal is to raise them to know that He has their back no matter what.  There will be times when their lives seem stuck in a rut, as mine does sometimes.  But the best thing we can do in those times is to dive deeply, whole heartedly, with all we have in to His word and let those promises give us the acceptance we are searching so hard for in others.

I am challenging myself to find that quiet time again.  Find that rest in the pages of the ultimate book.  Find that peace that consumes all the other poop. Because that’s what the stress of trying to be who the world says you should be is. It’s poop. And I already have enough poop in my life right now to last a lifetime.

I really went all over the place with this today.  But I guess that’s okay when you’re not a blogger. I’m just a wife, mom, sister, daughter- in- law, aunt, friend, and human, trying to make my way through this life. But I know that above all those, I am forgiven.  I am accepted.  I am loved.  I am free. I am never alone.  The little things are worth something in the eyes of the Lord. Even dishes, laundry, picking up the same mess for the ten thousandth time.  It’s all in His name. He’s blessed me abundantly.  It’s so easy to forget that when I feel like my life has lost its meaning.  Being a wife and a mom can be lonely you guys.  I don’t have many people I see or hang out with. It’s mostly just the kids and I at home, waiting for my man to get here so I can take a small break and look at my phone without someone interrupting me. Go to the bathroom without being followed or screamed at. But it’s the only things I’ve ever been really good at.  The only thing I’ve ever aspired to be.  And I made it.

At times I may feel like a lost sheep, but the ultimate shepherd is here to guide me back home.

By grace through faith,

Becca

Sometimes I Hate Technology

So I updated my blog. It’s sort of fancy now when I look at it.

Except all my old posts seemed to have disappeared. And that I am really bummed about.

I had written some things I was really proud of. Poured my heart out in ways I was afraid to do, but did anyway. And it seems that now they are gone.

I’m trying to find the hidden meaning in all of this. Not sure if there is one, but it would soften the blow if there is.

I guess that’s life though. Sometimes it spits you out in ways you don’t want it to, but gives you a fresh start.

Im praying I can figure out how to recover them. We shall see.

By grace through faith,

Becca

 

Today we matched

We wore my most favorite leggings ever. We went on a girls trip to Target.

She had a meltdown, and I had a small one.

We had many a fights today. But it ended with her wanting me.

She hardly ever wants me to put her to bed. Tonight she did.  And it was magical.

I love this big little girl of mine so much.

Thabk you God for this amazing gift.

My grace through faith,

Becca