A quick letter to my babies

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My sweet angels, I love you so much.

This time that we are in right now, its hard. You all are becoming your own little people. You have your likes and your dislikes, your good days and your not so good days. The truth is, Mommy also has her good days and bad days too.

Sometimes on our bad days, Mommy loses her temper. I yell, I grit my teeth, I have a really short fuse, and I just blow it in the good mom department. I complain to Daddy, to your Aunties, my friends, social media. It feels less lonely for me when I feel like I’m not going through the crazy all by myself. But I just want to make sure that you know something:

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF YOU.

There is not a single day that goes by that doesn’t end with me thanking the Lord for you all. Not a single day goes by I don’t take your health for granted. No matter how hard a day we have, I never go to sleep wishing I didn’t decide to have any of you. You are the reason I am here. You are the breath I breathe, the blood flowing through my veins, the pounding of every heart beat. I am here for you. Through all the tantrums, the tears, the fighting, the peed pants, the poopy diapers, the spit up, the drool, the messes (so many messes), and the sleepless nights (what is sleep even?), through ALL OF THIS, my love for you and my thankfulness for you can not and will not ever change.

There is often days where I sit wondering if I’m doing anything right. I look around and all I see is one mess after the other. I feel so ashamed about it. I tell myself I’m a failure. I spend too much time comparing our lives to other peoples. Please promise mama that you won’t ever do that. You are exactly who God designed YOU to be!

The days when you are most unhappy are the days I am most unhappy too. Your attitude is a reflection of mine, and I am trying my very hardest to be better for you sweet little bundles.

I promise to get down on the floor with you and be Night Ninja as often as you ask me to. The huge smile beaming from your faces fills up every hole in my heart. The joy you exude from your eyes is like sweet medicine to my mind. Those amazing giggles are pure music to my needy soul. I promise to continue to do everything in my power to never make you feel less than absolutely worthy of everything I am and have to give.

I will spend every day of the rest of my life making sure you never wonder if you’re enough. I will make sure you know you are loved. Nothing will ever stop the love I have for you.

I am apologizing in advance for the days that will come where I will fall short. I have been a lot of things in my life, but never a Mom until I had all of you. I still have so much to learn, but I am so glad it is you babes who are teaching me.

I love you forever and a day my darlings.

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By grace through faith,

Mommy

Thoughts on 2017

It is really hard to believe another year has come and gone.  I remember being told so many times as a kid that life goes by in the blink of an eye. Until I had children, I never realized how true that really was.  This year had some really high highs, and it also has had what feels like a never ending low.

This year was full of some absolutely amazing highs! But with those great moments, came a lot of dark valleys for me. I wanted to spend this last day reflecting on those moments, and writing down how I am feeling right now.  My goal is to look back on those and know that I have grown as a person.

Obviously the very best thing to happen this year is welcoming our sweet baby boy. He has been such a joy! He is a really good baby! He’s already 11 weeks old and I feel so emotional thinking about how fast time is going. Quicker than it ever has. I feel pretty well, but I am definitely not loving the way my body looks. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. I see pictures come up in my time hop memories and I feel physically ill at the shape of my body now. Yes, my three kids are SO WORTH it. But feeling unsatisfied with myself doesn’t take away from my love for them.

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Another huge life event for us was moving back home to the central coast. I can’t even explain to you how happy that made me! Our little house is just perfect for us right now, and I’m so grateful! Ww have THEE best neighbors around, and we are in a great location. I felt extremely isolated in San Diego. I am thankful for our time there, but I was starting to lose sight of all the good in my life because I fell into a dark hole of loneliness. I think the biggest surprise for me though, was that moving back home was not an immediate fix to that feeling. I thought it would be, but I was wrong.  We were home, my family and friends are here, but I still found myself sitting on my couch staring around at the bomb that went off all throughout out my house. I was still stuck as a stay-at-home-mom. I know I am insanely blessed to have the opportunity and the financial stability right now to not have to work. There is some days where I long for work. I long for time away to just be an adult. To be Becca. Because honestly I feel like I have lost sight of who I am. Of what I like.

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We (read that Aaron) had a really great year business wise. He did a beautifulll array at a local cooling facility. I am so proud of him because he works really really hard. And he is also around for us as much as he can be. But even though he has worked from home since we moved, I still feel like we hardly spent time together. Probably because we went on maybe 5 dates alone since June. That’s not even one a month. We have argued a lot, we (I) have over reacted often, and we just aren’t as close as we should be. We are really good in the fact that we made the choice to spend forever together. Neither of us are perfect humans, we never will be, and life is just plain hard sometimes.  Having 3 young kids, a business, trying to have a social life with family/friends, and trying to keep our marriage first has been pretty difficult. This stage in life, its exhausting. At least I feel that way. I have yelled way too often, I have said way too many hurtful things, I have had zero patience, and I spent way too much of this year being bitter. I know that a lot of my anger comes from my anxiety. I hate it, but it’s just the way I react. I am so much more aware of it now than I have ever been.

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I know this post is probably a bit baffling. Like why list all your blessings if you are just going to turn then in to negatives.  Well that’s probably because I spent most of the year living in the negative. I hated myself a lot this year. I hated my looks, the way I wifed, the way I mothered, my lack of closeness with my family and friends. I am listing the way I feel because I am determined to grow from them. I refuse to spend another year locked up in my house. I refuse to spend every day feeling alone.  I’ve already taken steps toward bettering my life. I will be waking up early to spend time in the Word. To pray. To be more intimate and honest with God. I am searching for a date night baby sitter. I have a new general physician. I am seeing a therapist. I am planning a bi-weekly moms night in.

 

My cup is overflowing. I know it, I feel it, I appreciate it. It can only go up from here. Cheers to 2018. Cheers to growth. Cheers to you my dear loved ones <3.

 

By grace through faith,

Becca

 

 

 

 

…and baby makes 5!

IMG_7237This photo is from the night before I went in to labor with this sweet little man!

 

So I really failed miserably at updating my blog throughout my pregnancy. I’ve missed this, so I am hoping I am able to kick my own butt in to gear and start consistently blogging again.

Anyway, I have basically been on cloud 9 for the past few weeks.  Every day is different. Some days have been so challenging I question why God let me have all these kids. Other days are like a breeze! The two big kids are doing really well with him overall, but they have definitely upped the whining, tantrums, and acting out. It’s all part of the process right?

I am excited to share my birth story with you, and I hope you guys enjoy reading it. It is such an intimate and wonderful life event, and if it encourages one person, that will make me so proud. Also, we totally did not wait to find out gender. We had our anatomy ultrasound on my husband’s birthday, and he (okay, me too) was so anxious to find out, we decided as a little present to him we would go ahead and do that. I’m glad we did though. I think it helped me bond a bit more with him while he was in utero.

My labor with him was not what I was expecting.  My first two were so similar, I didn’t think this one would be any different, but it was. I woke up a little after 3 AM, and I went in to use the bathroom. Our daughter had woken up and came in our room wanting to snuggle, so I went in and rocked her for a few minutes before laying her down and going back in to the bathroom. It was about 3:30 and I just didn’t feel very good, but I wasn’t really having any contractions. I woke my husband and told him I might be in labor, but I am not sure. With my other two I knew right away because I had a constant cramp and contractions that never stopped. I took a shower to see if that got things going, and it really didn’t do much of anything. Again, so different than with my two big kids. After about 20 minutes, I started having what were for sure contractions. They were coming about every 5 minutes, and lasting about a minute. We decided to call my midwife at 4:15 to let her know I was having contractions, but that it would probably still be awhile.

I remember feeling so bummed out. I had heard from a lot of people that the third labor is sort of the wild card. It could be faster than the second, but often times it was actually longer. I was nervous because I wanted to have the baby before my older children woke up. I didn’t have anyone on stand by to come over if they did wake while I was still in labor. I thought to myself that this was going to be a really long morning. I assumed I was one of the ones who’d have a longer third one.

I really wanted to turn on some worship music and just do my best to not worry about the “what ifs”. Not to think about how long this would take. Not to think about the craziness that would ensue if our kids did in fact wake while I was in labor. I just wanted to calm down as best I could and focus on what my body was going through. Think about the sweet baby we would be meeting when this was all over. That was the end goal anyway! Bring this little one earth side and in to our crazy, chaotic little family. I sat down on the couch and used my computer as my music player. I turned the Lauren Daigle Pandora station and just sat and swayed.

The contractions were definitely getting stronger, but they were still bearable. I was pacing the living room as best I could while we waited for the tub to fill. My sweet husband turned the water heater allll the way up to make sure it would have enough hot water to fill it. As it turns out, it filled a lot quicker than we anticipated and it was SCORCHING!! Way, way too hot to get in to. Just our luck hahah!

I went to sit down on the couch again at 4:30 and thought to myself that maybe I should grab a chux pad just in case I lost some plug. Well, I am surely glad I had that thought, because as I was sitting and swaying to the music, my water broke. Just right there on our BRAND NEW couch. I am super thankful for that voice that told me to grab one ;).

I yelled for my husband to quit fiddling with the pool and help me get up. We called our midwife then and told her my water broke and she said she would be right over. My husband had also put a call in to our photographer and she too was heading over.

After my water broke, the contractions really kicked in, and so did the pain. I knew at that point that I was getting closer. The longest I’d gone between water breaking and bad in my arms was 1 hour.

I remember telling my husband over and over “I can’t do this, I’m not strong enough, I can’t”. He is such a fantastic partner, he just reminded me over and over I was doing it, I was so brave, all the things you want to hear when you are in the middle of full blown labor.

Our midwife arrived and just went to work right away. She set up all her stuff so quietly, held my hands when I bent over saying for the 385 time “I can not do this!” She also had the brilliant idea to add water to the tub. I guess it takes a genius to think of that 😉 haha.

About a minute after our midwife arrived, our sweet and amazing photographer walked in.

I really, really wanted to get in the tub by that point. It felt like it had been hours when really it had been like 30 minutes. After the ice was in and the cold water had been running, the pool had cooled off enough to not be burn my skin off when I got in, but was still hot enough to feel phenomenal! That is really the best word I can use to describe how the water felt as soon as I sat down in it.

I felt as if my body had been waiting for this moment. Super honesty time though, five years ago if you asked me if I’d have a water birth I would have looked at you with disgust and said NEVER that is dirty! But let me tell you, it was ah-mazing! I just immediately felt my body release some tenseness (I don’t think that’s a real word, but you get it), and it was perfect. I got in to the water at 5:13, and he was born at 5:15. I tried so hard to relax and let my body do all the pushing, but I failed and I gave two big pushes. Thankfully I did not tear!

I called out to my midwife and said “Megan he is coming right now!” She so calmly said “okay” and went to stand behind me just outside of the pool. She asked me something, I can’t remember if it was do you wan to touch him, or do you want to catch him.

I was in that haze, that birth high, so my memory of her exact words is fuzzy. Either way through gritted teeth I said “NO!”. The only thing I wanted in that moment was that baby out of me haha! Sounds harsh, but it’s true! She so calmly and sweetly said “well reach down and get him because he is coming towards you.”

I wish I could portray to you the image I had in my head when she told me he was coming towards me. In the split second it took me to reach down and bring him to my chest out of the water, I imagined a baby just casually floating up to the top like a little fish. I was dying of laughter in my own head. The birth high y’all, it is a powerful thing.

Bringing that sweet babe up to my heart was one of the most amazing and moving moments of my life. I felt like I did it. I was so proud, happy, relieved. I personally don’t think there is anything quite like growing a human for all those months, and that very first moment you meet, its indescribable. I am so thankful to experience child birth.

I stayed in the pool for a bit just snuggling my sweet baby, soaking in that euphoric feeling. I eventually passed him off to say hello to his daddy, and got out and moved on the the couch.

Our midwife and her assistant looked me over and made sure everything looked good. My husband passed the little man back to me and went and made breakfast. It’s so amazing just being in the comfort of our own home and getting back to life like usual.

I love birth, and I love talking about it! I hope you enjoyed my super short and squished down version of the morning. I have some pictures I would love to share. I also have some of the placenta if you’d like to see those. I’m leaving them out for now because, well, not everyone wants to see that. It’s SO interesting though, and if you would like to see them, or have any questions about my home birth experience, just reach out to me! Thank you for reading and celebrating our newest sweet little blessing. I am positive I forgot a lot of details, but I am thankful to share these bits and pieces!

IMG_7932 This was the moment I felt completely defeated, like I couldn’t do it anymore. So glad I had my team to remind me I can, because I already was!

IMG_7940The best birth partner I could ever have.

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IMG_7947This is such a vulnerable picture for me for so many reasons. I am literally pushing my child out of my vagina in this moment. And I look like I have a couple chins. And some back fat. But also, I love it. Birth is beautiful, and I feel so proud to see myself in this moment.

IMG_7948Our first moment meeting each other on the outside. Look at that cheesy baby!!

IMG_7552The relief. The love.

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IMG_7951All the feels.

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IMG_7961First moments with Daddy, looking right in to his eyes.

IMG_7966Right after I got out of the pool. I didn’t think I would ever share this. I mean, look at that belly pooch! But this is home birth. And I love everything about it.

IMG_7970He latched a bit in the pool, but mostly he just looked around and snuggled in, so this was his first real latch.

IMG_7977One of my favorite photos ever. Just looking at this, I feel SO loved. SO cherished. SO grateful.

IMG_7986Hi beautiful boy.

IMG_7993Brothers meeting each other for the first time <3.

IMG_7559I love this picture of her! When she woke up for the day and found out she had a new baby brother.

IMG_7557Our midwife Megan doing his newborn exam.

IMG_7306Ob.Sessed. I can’t believe we made all these!

IMG_7304Our little squish face.

IMG_8028First photo as a family of F I V E!

Thanks so much for reading!

Our amazing midwife is located in Arroyo Grande, CA. Her name is Megan Bochum, and she is the midwife behind Pacific Midwifery- pacificmidwiferycare.com. If you are interested in a home birth and in our area, pleaseee call her! You will not regret it!

Our fantastic photographer is Kacie Jones! She has also done a family session for us, and I HIGHLY recommend her!! She is so wonderful! kaciejonesphotography.com

 

By grace through faith,

BeccaIMG_7989

 

 

 

 

 

Baby number 3!

I am very late on writing this post. I took a short, much needed break, but now I am ready to jump back in!

We are so excited to be having another baby! Yup, baby Eriksson number 3 is cooking right now! I am currently 16 weeks 5 days, and our little soybean is due to arrive October 16th, give or take a few days (or weeks!).  We decided not to find out the gender this time. I am excited but anxious, which isn’t the best feeling since I still have quite a bit of time until baby arrives! But we have one of each so far, we are set on all our baby products, I am going to do my best to just enjoy the process. It is a LOT for me being pregnant with two toddlers; especially two extremelyyy busy bodies like ours! Extremely worth it though! My daughter understands what’s going on a lot more this time around, so it’s been so fun having my little “midwife” helping me. I felt this little one so early! They were not consistent, but definitely noticed those flutters. Now they are a lot stronger and a lot more often.

I didn’t really do anything cute or special for my husband to tell him I was pregnant. I just took it in the morning and left it on the counter for him to see. We weren’t necessarily trying, but we also knew the odds were high. We hugged each other tight, told each other congratulations and good job, I cried a bit (I’m sure that is a total shocker lol!), and went on with our day. We are very excited, and we just feel so blessed that God has given us this amazing, wonderful little humans to borrow while we are here on Earth.

We waited until after the first ultrasound to tell our families. The office wasn’t far from my husband’s parents, so we stopped by after and showed them the photos. Then we shared them with our siblings. I guess when it’s your third it’s not as much of a surprise anymore lol!

IMG_9568 Little babe #3’s big debut!

IMG_1266 Aren’t these images kind of crazy? They are so realistic, it is amazing what technology can do!

 

I had morning sickness start much earlier, at 4 1/2 weeks! It was brutal and it lasted until 14 1/2 weeks. I am SO thankful it has passed! I was always starving, even when I felt so sick I could hardly eat. It was such a weird feeling!

I am currently still nursing my son, I am not sure how much longer that will last. I am not really looking to tandem nurse them, but I also don’t want to cut him short if he still wants/needs it. I am just planning to play it by ear and see how it goes. But omg the sore nipples!! It has subsided somewhat, but the beginning was so hard I almost just ended it cold turkey!

I thought of how I wanted to “announce” it. I had envisioned three chairs with balloons hanging from each of them- 1,2,3- somewhere in the middle of a forest.  But it was so windy, I had no idea where a forest was in our area, and the kids were super grumpy, so we did what we could and ran with it. I still love the way they turned out, even if they weren’t exactly what I wanted.

IMG_0354 They both look so unhappy here hahaha! He has no idea what is going on, but rest assured she is extremely happy to be a big sister again!

IMG_0352 His adorable little hat didn’t last long!

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IMG_0316 It was so bright out haha, I felt a little bad for them. But only a little.

IMG_0319 The next few are real life photos with a cranky toddler!

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IMG_0321I love how he is just looking at her like “sissy what is your problem? Stop freaking out.”

 

Fun little fact- we actually took these pictures on the side of the road, on a freeway entrance. We worked really fast so we could get in and get out! Also because it was definitely not the safest choice (no one got harmed in the making of these photos).

 

 

Thank you so much for following along on this ride with us! I will do better about posting some pregnancy updates throughout the next few months!

 

By grace through faith,

Becca

 

 

February 15th, 2016

This day will forever hold a special place in my heart. It is the day my sweet, amazing, wonderful son was born.  I was quite surprised he came that day because it was my due date, and due date babies are so rare (my first was way late)!

I have wanted to share his birth story for a while, I just never really got around to doing it. What better time to do it then his first birthday. I hope you enjoy it!

I woke up around 5 in the morning and had that crampy feeling. I remembered that feeling from my first, and I knew it meant he would be officially joining our family earthside that day. I got up to use the bathroom, and went to lay back down. The pain had already increased slightly, so I knew sleep would not be possible. I decided to take a shower. I’m not sure if you have ever tried a shower while in labor, but I HIGHLY recommend it! Both of my labors progressed quickly while/after taking a shower. When I finished, I thought I would try to be comfortable and sit on the bed. That wasn’t happening. Sitting in one spot was too painful. It was time to start walking, dancing, doing all the things I could to make myself comfortable through contractions. I woke my husband up and told him I was in labor. He grumbled out a series of mumbled words, and fell back to sleep. I was about ready to unleash on him. I was thinking to myself, who does that?! What does he think he is doing?! I then roughly shook his body and spoke loudly and sternly. That seemed to do the trick. He was up and out of bed and by my side. By this time it was about 5:40(ish, I really wasn’t watching the clock that closely), and we just called my midwife to let her know I was in labor. My husband got up and set up the birth space.  The man is a saint! I kept telling him “I need you! Help me!” He was running back and forth between holding me while I went through the contractions, to setting everything up. I remember yelling at him to hold me, and then once he would, telling him stop touching me so much. A little confusing I am sure ;)! We got in touch with my midwife again, and she said she wanted to talk to me to assess where I was at. I was sitting on the toilet, and I did everything I could to get the words out and answer her questions. She decided she would head over then, and in my heart I was happy because I just knew it would be soon. I would be having this sweet baby soon. I wanted to take another shower, so my husband put some board shorts on and got in with me. He put them on in case she got to our house before we were done. I’ve seen him naked…I don’t know why I felt I needed to clarify that! The pain was starting to wear me down. I didn’t think I could continue to get through the contractions. I’m so grateful my husband is who he is, because he is so calm and logical. He got me through when I didn’t think I could. After the shower, the contractions were right on top of each other, and they were SO intense. I wanted to try out the birth pool, so the plan was to fill it when my midwife arrived. But I think I knew then I would never make it in to the pool, my body had started pushing. It felt like it had been hours since labor started.  At the point of those first pushes, my water was still intact. I tried to slow them down, but our bodies are so wonderfully made, they can birth a baby with minimal help from us. I really couldn’t “stop” the pushing. I finally just gave in and slightly pushed. My water then broke, and I remember laughing in my head because it looked and felt like a water balloon had just be thrown on me. I swear it shot out 20 feet! (Exaggeration to the max!) I was in a stand squat in front of my husband, holding his hands. Which, btw, insanely comfortable position to birth in! Laying on our backs makes no sense. I would recommend trying a different position, like standing/squatting or on all 4’s, if you are able! He was sitting on the couch facing me. I thought he would be delivering our son, and he did too. Yet he was as cool as a cucumber, calm and ready. Just then, we heard a car. Our midwife had just arrived. I said/yelled at my husband through gritted to get her in here.  Husband really loves telling that part of the story because when he says it he makes me sound like I was speaking like Christian Bale in the Batman movies. I could feel babes head coming. She walked in and immediately stopped, looked at me, said “are you pushing?!”, dropped all of her bags, put her gloves on, and helped me deliver my son. I don’t know exactly where his head was when she walked in, but it felt like he was almost hanging out (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration). She was like a ninja! She put those gloves on and slid down in front of me like she was sliding in to home plate. Amazing at her job!

I have total confidence in my husband, and I think he would have been completely capable to help me the whole way through. But I am thankful Paula (my wonderful midwife) arrived when she did. I was still in the standing squat position when she arrived, and she had me sit down and lay back. My hubby sat behind me, and I leaned back on him. The cord was around baby boy’s neck, and she did a somersault move to get him out. That’s what she told me at least, I didn’t “feel” her do that. She immediately put him on to my chest, and I just felt heaven. I was also on that birth high. Seriously, that high is POWERFUL! I know people are worried about how bad it hurts to labor med free, but personally I don’t remember the pain of the end. Your body has it’s own way of helping you, it truly felt like a high for me. Yet I was in complete control and just in love with this sweet baby I just released. He was born at 7:13 am. He was 8 lbs 8 oz, and 20 inches long. 2 hrs and 13 minutes after labor started. Thank you mom for the good labor genes.

He was so beautiful! I remember thinking there is no way this angel is mine! How did I get so lucky?! He was also so quiet! I worried he wasn’t breathing and asked Paula a few times “is he okay?? Is he breathing??” He absolutely was, he just didn’t feel the need to cry. Of course right after I asked that, he peed all over me. I suppose it was his way of assuring me he was fine.

Rachel (also an amazing midwife) showed up a few minutes after he was born, and so did Lauren (midwife in training), as well as my mother in law. She was coming to help us with our daughter, but she ended up sleeping through the whole thing. After some time (I have no idea how long, but I was SO grateful for that long, undisputed skin to skin time with little man) had passed, and my husband, the baby, and myself finally moved from our position on the floor, we moved on to what needed to bed done next. I ended up needing a couple stitches, so Rachel sewed me up. (Sorry, I can’t think of a more medical way to say that). Being at home was so different than the hospital. While I was getting my stitches, Lauren did all the newborn checks with my mother in law watching, and my husband got up and made us all breakfast. It was just like a regular Monday morning, except I just had a baby in our living room and we had a few extra people joining us to eat.

I can not put in to words how amazing birthing at home is. I know that not everyone can do that. I know hospitals are necessary. I would never want to make someone think I don’t understand that they don’t have the same experience as I do. I DO know that I am lucky when it comes to length of labor. I DO know that some medical situations require in-hospital birth. I DO. I know. But I also know that labor is natural, and society as well as some doctors put fear in to women’s eyes when it doesn’t need to be. Trust yourself and trust your body. God made us to do this.

When I was done getting my stitches and he was done with his check up, they handed that sweet baby boy back to me and I fell in love all over again. He went straight to my breast, and we stayed there for quite some time.

He soon fell asleep, and I got to enjoy an amazing homemade breakfast while still having my sweet little babe snuggled up to me.

I had planned to have a photographer there to document the amazing occasion, but everything moved so fast I didn’t have the chance to even call her! These iPhone photos will just have to do 🙂

Soon after breakfast was done, our sweet first born woke up. What a surprise that would be for her! They are a little less than 18 months apart, so I don’t think it all really set in for her. But she did SUCH  a good job meeting him! It was the best moment of my life. I had no idea I could have so much love in my heart!

Here she is meeting him for the very first time. He even got his arm out of the swaddle and touched her face. I know, heart melting, right?

His birth is hands down one of the most amazing things I’ve ever done in my life. There was moments in my pregnancy where I doubted myself. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to have him at home. I didn’t know if I was capable enough. I was. I am. I did it, and I have more respect for myself now than ever. I don’t think I would even need a full hand to count the times in my life where I’ve felt proud of myself. This is absolutely one of them.

From the moment he was born, he’s been a sweet, cuddly, loving little man. I am so thankful and grateful that I get to be his mom. I wrote this quickly, and it’s not in as great of detail as I would like. But I love sharing it! I am an open book when it comes to delivery and post partum. I will tell you the pretty parts and the not so pretty parts. If I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I would love to chat!

I will leave you with a few more photos from his first year of life, as well as a few from his 1 year shoot. I hope you have enjoyed hearing the short story version of this amazing little man’s entrance in to our lives. We are so, insanely, eternally grateful for him.

This adorable onesie was handmade by Jamie Robertson @JandDgifts. Check her out, she has so many amazing products!

This was his first time visiting his Papa, my father. We miss him terribly every day.

I mean, that hair. We have been pleasantly surprised by his gorgeous blonde locks!

His first beach day when his Auntie Sara came to visit us.

This is one of my favorite pictures of him. His sister saw the glasses on his clothes so put a pair on him as well. He rocks them if you ask me!

His one year photos were taken by Ali @aliartandphotography. Her pictures are breathtaking and if you are in the San Diego area I highly, HIGHLY recommend her! She is SO good with the kids, she is basically an angel to work with! Her talent is beyond!

His onesie cardigan and bowtie are from Amy @amycollierdesigns. She just launched some new outfits and they are amazinggg! Check her shop out on Etsy!

Suspender jeans are by Osh Kosh.

Moccasins are @Freshlypicked.

Hat is @carpentercaps

My midwife is Paula Tipton-Healy. She was such a blessing to us! I can not explain how much she means to our family! Please give her a call if you are in San Diego! The trust we have in her makes our relationship so much more personal. She wasn’t just our care provider, but she truly cared about us, our family, our hopes and dreams. She is a forever friend, and I will never forget how she made us feel at peace. Having someone who supports you during this transition and time in life is so vital to experiencing the birth YOU want! Birth is not a medical condition, it is the most natural time in life.  Women are not sick because they are pregnant. Find someone who keeps you in mind, not the money.

You can find Paula at her website http://www.paulatipton-healy.com

Rachel Flores now has her own midwifery practice, and she also did my placenta encapsulation! I am so thankful I did it! I was unsure if I would do it. It seemed a bit “beastly” to me at first. But the difference in myself I noticed after that first pill made it so worth it!! I didn’t have severe PPD after my first, but I remember feeling those baby blues and that helpless feeling from time to time. And I shed a lot of tears! The second time was such a different experience.  It is something I will absolutely do again if I have another baby.

Rachel’s website is http://www.amothersnaturebirth.com

Happy Birthday Solomon Finn, we love you so much Bubba! This has been the greatest year of our lives! We hope you loved our birthday donut tradition son!

We showed him the donut…

…but didn’t give it to him right away. Our bad Bud!

I’m so thankful my husband was able to stay home long enough this morning to be a part of our family birthday donut tradition. It wouldn’t have been the same without him!

It was a success!

I had to add one of big sissy because she is his best friend, and she picked out everyone’s donuts. We are so so glad he has her!

Her bib is by Krista @augieandlola

Thank you so much for reading!

By grace through faith,

Becca

Why It’s Important

Last week we traveled back home to the 805 (central coast of CA), and we celebrated a beautiful lady and her soon to be baby girl! I saw some of my favorite people that I love with all of my heart!! It was such a fast trip, and we spent most of it in the car. I’m so thankful for how well my kids did!! Well seasoned travelers they are!

My husband and I moved to San Diego county in November of 2014. Two and a half months after our baby girl was born. Moving with a newborn is NO JOKE!!  We met in Grover Beach, and that will always be {home} to both of us. We moved because my husband has a solar business, and the office is located in Escondido.  He and I wanted to be together, so instead of him leaving for weeks at a time, we all made the trek as a family.

Anyway, back to the shower. The group of women I got to see are so wonderful!! They are people that have poured in to me, and helped me so much in my walk with God! I miss them dearly, and I miss my hometown.

I ended up in a hard, but much needed conversation with one of them (shoutout to the gorgeous Sharelle), and she asked me how I was doing. Not me as a mom or a wife, but as Becca. I couldn’t believe how complicated that question felt to me! I told her I was good, but I missed home so much. I miss my family and friends. I told her I don’t really have a life here, and if only we could move back home then my life would be how it should. My life would feel like it had meaning.

She basically told me well I know that would be great to be back, but contentment where you are at is super important.

Contentment. What did that mean to me?

Was I content? Did I feel “contentment” in my life? I feel grateful. Grateful for the little family I have. Grateful to have a roof over our heads and food on our table. But is feeling grateful and feeling content the same thing?

I really started thinking about that word.  The honest answer was no.  I did not feel content with where my life currently was.  I did not feel content living away from home, I did not feel content being so far from those close to me.

Then I started to think about what the Lord would say to me about contentment with my life.  I am positive that He wouldn’t love my “waiting to start my life until we move back home” mantra I tell myself every day.

I am not good at meeting new people. I’m not good at “putting myself out there.”  I’m not good at being the newbie. So I’ve told myself I don’t need to do that.  I don’t need to make friends here, because we won’t be here forever.  I don’t need to go out because we won’t be here much longer.  I’ve gotten so stuck in my own way, that I’ve jeopardized my own ability to grow as a person.

I am so grateful for this idea of “contentment.”  It’s caused me to reflect on myself and discover why I am so afraid to allow myself to feel that now.

Even if I tell myself life is *on pause* while we spend time in Southern California, life is moving, and moving FAST!! Everyday I wake up older, and so does my husband and my kids.  Everyday I keep myself from growing as a human because I’m too afraid to open up.

Until I decide to give in to life exactly where I am, that feeling of contentment will stay lost.

Today is where I start. I am so blessed it’s ridiculous, and I am absolutely content in where I am.

I will always hope to end up back home, but it may not be His will. He knows SO MUCH more than I do.  I am not sure who I think I am, telling myself that I know better than Jesus does.  Becca, you cray!!

I am challenging myself to find that feeling of contentment everyday, in the small things we do, and in the big things.  Whether I stay home all day while my toddler destroys my house around me, or end up out and about enjoying God’s creation.  Whatever the day brings, I will feel content in all its wonderfulness!!

By grace through faith,

Becca

Here’s a few photos from our stay-at-home-and-enjoy-the-cooled-off-weather-day today ❤️

 

 

 

Knight In Shining Armor

I posted earlier about losing all my old blog posts. I was pretty heartbroken if I’m being honest.  They were really vulnerable posts, and it’s rare for that side of me to come out.

I called my husband earlier to tell him. I was on the verge of tears, and I have been thinking about it all day. He sympathized with me, and said he would try and help me find them when he got home.

Low and behold, he had sent them to himself because he loved them. The problem now was finding them. I don’t know about any of your husbands, but mine can not find anything, ever. He would most definitely lose his head if it was not attached to his body.

We sat down at his desk together and we prayed. We asked the Lord to show us where they were. And He did. All is not lost. All is found.

Reminds me of myself.

I once was a very, very lost sheep. The ultimate Shepherd found me.

I am so thankful He did. Because of Him I found my soulmate. Because of Him I found life!! I will never get over what Jesus did for me, and what He is still doing everyday.

By grace through faith,

Becca

 

A Simple Introduction

I’ve never done anything like this before. Honestly, I’m not sure where to begin. I am not a great writer, and my list of big words is minimal. All I can say is that one of my very favorite ways to express myself is by simply writing it down (or in this case, typing).

I am a 28 year old wife and mother living in beautiful San Diego, California. My husband’s name is Aaron. He is the most wonderful human being on the planet. I am so thankful I met him when I did. We married in November of 2013, and are the parents of two BEAUTIFUL children, Shiloh and Solomon! Our daughter was born August of 2014. She is such a pretty little girl, but she is also highly intelligent, funny, kind, stubborn, and sometimes a misbehaved wild child, and I wouldn’t change a thing about her! She is my bestie.

Our little man was born February of 2016. He is a hungry little mamas boy, and I love it. He gave me a huge, mouth wide open smile for the first time today, and my heart officially melted in a puddle on the floor. My kiddos are perfect in every way, because they are mine. I’m sure if any of you spent a day with them you’d think to yourself “there is nothing perfect about those kids.”  Perhaps you are right, but I will always see them that way.

We also have a furry, 4 legged child named Lexi. She was our first baby. We brought her home the week after we got back from our honeymoon. Her breed is Goldendoodle, and she is the BEST dog I’ve ever been around.

We moved from the central coast 1 year after we were married. My husband started his own solar business, and it was located down here. I’m sure you can see, we like to “go big or go home.”  You know, start a business, get married, get pregnant right away, move, and then get pregnant again. Sometimes I ask myself what the heck were we thinking? Our life is so stressful, why do we do this to ourselves? And then I look at these sweet baby faces and realize that it’s all in God’s plan for us, and we are so thankful for Him and His sense of humor.

I chose to name my blog my peace in chaos, because with all I said above, I’m sure you can imagine that things get a bit chaotic around our house. As it turns out though, both of our sweet babies’ names mean “peace.”  And through all our bad days, they are my reminder from the Lord to just soak it all in and enjoy His peace. Enjoy His presence. My blessings come through Him. And even though my children can be a lot of work, they are my home. They are where I find my peace. They are my world. Plus, at the end of the day these children do {eventually} fall asleep, and then they look like peaceful little angels. Am I right?

Well, there’s a little background on me. Both kids are waking up and screaming at me, so I suppose this is where I come up with some witty catch phrase that I leave everytime I end a post. I’ll have to get back to you on that one!

Thank you for taking the time to get to know me a little more. My plan with this blog is to just get it all out. Like a digital, virtual diary. Some posts may be boring and light, and others may be very heavy. I don’t know where this will go, or what I will be comfortable with, I just want to search my heart and find “my peace in chaos.”  I also pray that my life and my story will in some way show how exceptionally extraordinary God is. His grace is sufficient. He has brought me from the pit of despair on MANY occasions, and I have it all because of Him. Because He chose me. And He chose all of you too. His love is infinite, and His grace and mercy  meet you where you are, no matter where that may be. Let that soak in.

❤️

By grace through faith,

Becca

More Chaos More Peace

This morning has been something special. My baby boy is 5 weeks old today, and that wonderful smile is forming across his face.  It is the sweetest thing ever!

His big sister wanted to see it for herself. She was standing above him saying “hi brother!” And of course my mommy heart melted. He proceeded to smile the biggest smile I’ve seen yet, and coo at her. I then became a giant puddle on the floor. I’m still not sure I’ve recovered fully back in to my human self.

As I saw this sweet exchange between the two little humans I created, I felt such peace and worth wash over me. To say life with two under two is a challenge would be an understatement, but it is SO worth it! The past few nights have been long, but it is SO worth it!! I have always wondered what my “calling” in life is. And I’ve found it. It’s being a mother.

There’s times when they’re both crying, both needing me at the same time. Trying to decide between which of your children you will comfort first is not easy. Do I pick up my daughter first so she knows that she is still important, so she knows she still matters? Or do I pick up my newborn son because all he knows is me? How can such a simple task seem so daunting? Finding the balance is going to be a lifelong challenge.

My babies will grow up only remembering having each other. But I will remember having only one. I will remember how much we doted on her. Deep down my insecurity is that she will remember that too. And she will resent me for it. Will she think I replaced her? That she wasn’t good enough? That we wanted someone better? As I think this, I know it isn’t true. But I also know that I am only human, and there will be moments where I fail her, where I fail them both. That is where the love of Jesus comes in. My job as their mom and their friend is to teach them the love of God. That with humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible! He will never leave them nor forsake them.

I love the chaos of two small kids. I also love the peace of bed time :). I watched the bond between them form before my eyes today, and I’ve never been so grateful for these blessings. The bad days will come, but the good will always outnumber the bad because I have them. Forever thankful.

By grace through faith,

Becca

Count It All Joy

What a weekend this was! I feel like I’ve grown as a person just over these past 3 days.

Friday night was definitely one for the books. It was one of those nights that you know will happen again, but you really wish you could just forget. My husband went out about 5:45 pm, and came home sometimes after 9 (I think! I honestly don’t know, time stopped the moment he was gone.) My son was having one of those “witching hour” nights, and my daughter was having one of those “I haven’t napped in 4 days and I’m so tired I can’t think straight” nights. I made her dinner and thought having some food in her belly would help her chill out. The problem was that her little brother wouldn’t stop fussing and crying. I had to be holding him with my boob out for him to stop. Yet even that only worked for a short time. He would just cry with my nipple in his mouth, and I cried because he just wasn’t stopping. I know that my reaction probably worsened his, but I am human and I have a limit.

Anyway, sissy maybe had three bites and decided she hated everything and starting crying non stop. What a joy our household was!! #sarcasm. She needed a bath and she needed bed. I didn’t give her a bath and I didn’t put her to bed. I just let them both scream while I put all of our pjs on, and sat the 3 of us in front of the tv at 9 pm. Terrible parenting decision on my part, but we all managed to regain our sanity for those 22 minutes. I finally just put her in her crib and let her cry. Thankfully my husband arrived shortly after with his new truck and big giant smile. He was so excited, and couldn’t wait to show me. But I had already decided around 7 that I was going to be angry at him. I tried hard to be awful, but his joy was infectious, and all I could muster was “I’m exhausted and it’s your fault somehow” level of anger. And I was so curious to see our new family vehicle, I couldn’t even hang at that level for long. I handed him the baby, and I went and grabbed our little lady from her crib.  As a family we went out and checked out the new rig. Our daughter thought all the climbing room was spectacular, and our son had no idea what was going on, just that he was enjoying the crisp night air. And I was like wow this is really nice, and might even be worth the awful night I had.  It was a full moon that night. Two of my sweet girls favorite things are the moon and the stars. Seeing the excitement on her face and hearing her say “look, the moon! Look, stars!” and pointing over and over again, all the tears and anxiety of the night earlier just washed away. My kids mean everything to me, and I love seeing the things that bring them happiness! It makes me feel so good inside to just let them be kids, let them discover on their own the things they enjoy.

Saturday we went for a spin, and I was in awe of how much room was in there! I could easily fit middle seat between two car seats! That would make my life so much easier (and a lot more comfy!). It was such a laid back day. We got nothing on our to-do list done, and I don’t regret a second of it. My husband is such a hands on father, and my children adore him!! Like, more than me. I’m convinced if he was able to lactate and breastfeed, my son wouldn’t care about me. And my daughter is goo goo eyed for her main man, her daddy ❤️. I realize so often that even in my trials, I am SO blessed! I am SO thankful! Life gets hard and it gets messy, and I have the best teammate to get through all the muck with! I love my husband more every single day! It always blows my mind how much he loves me too! I just count it all joy!

Saturday night I was channel surfing when I came upon The Passion of the Christ. If you haven’t seen it, I don’t know if I recommend it or not. It’s so painful to watch! I watched it because it’s been years since I saw it. My mom took me to see it in theaters, and that was the last time I remember seeing it. There were parts where I was physically uncomfortable in my body. Seeing the pain and torture He went through as a man, and knowing why He did it, it makes it a bit hard to breathe!

I’m thankful I stopped on that channel, because it reminded me of why we celebrate Easter Sunday. We celebrate because that man Jesus suffered and died for our sins. He gave it all so we could have it all. I fear pain, but I don’t fear death. I know I get to go to Heaven because I’ve given my life to the Lord, and Jesus paid for my salvation. Jesus saved me. Jesus is the reason I’m alive. Trying to grasp what He did, it’s a hard concept to fully swallow, to fully understand. But I know that I will forever follow Him and the footsteps He paved before me.

We had a lovely Sunday with my husband’s family. My daughter did her first egg hunt, and she rocked it! Granted her only competition was our dog, and we stopped her before she could get any, but hey that’s not the point here! All I can say is the same thing I said above. The joy and happiness on her face makes everything I do worthwhile. We also had some AMAZING food, and I ate wayyyy too much of course! I love holidays.

This weekend will go down as one of my favorites. Spending any amount of time with my family makes me feel so good, but this weekend held a lot of firsts, and I will grow as a person because of them.

And now we are back to the dreaded Monday. My husband left for work, as he always does on week days. But he and I got to enjoy breakfast and coffee together before our babes woke up, and it was such a wonderful time. Sweet Shiloh woke up a very happy girl, and Solomon gave me a handful of smiles when I got him out of bed. Peace filled me, and I feel ready to take on the day, good or bad. Thank you children for making my world go round 🌎.

Thank you Father for your Son, for my family, for my life. I have the opportunity to be married to the man of my dreams, and he works so hard I get to stay home and be with our kids. I get to be there for all their firsts. What a blessing my sweet life is ❤️

By grace through faith,

Becca