A quick letter to my babies

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My sweet angels, I love you so much.

This time that we are in right now, its hard. You all are becoming your own little people. You have your likes and your dislikes, your good days and your not so good days. The truth is, Mommy also has her good days and bad days too.

Sometimes on our bad days, Mommy loses her temper. I yell, I grit my teeth, I have a really short fuse, and I just blow it in the good mom department. I complain to Daddy, to your Aunties, my friends, social media. It feels less lonely for me when I feel like I’m not going through the crazy all by myself. But I just want to make sure that you know something:

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF YOU.

There is not a single day that goes by that doesn’t end with me thanking the Lord for you all. Not a single day goes by I don’t take your health for granted. No matter how hard a day we have, I never go to sleep wishing I didn’t decide to have any of you. You are the reason I am here. You are the breath I breathe, the blood flowing through my veins, the pounding of every heart beat. I am here for you. Through all the tantrums, the tears, the fighting, the peed pants, the poopy diapers, the spit up, the drool, the messes (so many messes), and the sleepless nights (what is sleep even?), through ALL OF THIS, my love for you and my thankfulness for you can not and will not ever change.

There is often days where I sit wondering if I’m doing anything right. I look around and all I see is one mess after the other. I feel so ashamed about it. I tell myself I’m a failure. I spend too much time comparing our lives to other peoples. Please promise mama that you won’t ever do that. You are exactly who God designed YOU to be!

The days when you are most unhappy are the days I am most unhappy too. Your attitude is a reflection of mine, and I am trying my very hardest to be better for you sweet little bundles.

I promise to get down on the floor with you and be Night Ninja as often as you ask me to. The huge smile beaming from your faces fills up every hole in my heart. The joy you exude from your eyes is like sweet medicine to my mind. Those amazing giggles are pure music to my needy soul. I promise to continue to do everything in my power to never make you feel less than absolutely worthy of everything I am and have to give.

I will spend every day of the rest of my life making sure you never wonder if you’re enough. I will make sure you know you are loved. Nothing will ever stop the love I have for you.

I am apologizing in advance for the days that will come where I will fall short. I have been a lot of things in my life, but never a Mom until I had all of you. I still have so much to learn, but I am so glad it is you babes who are teaching me.

I love you forever and a day my darlings.

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By grace through faith,

Mommy

Thoughts on 2017

It is really hard to believe another year has come and gone.  I remember being told so many times as a kid that life goes by in the blink of an eye. Until I had children, I never realized how true that really was.  This year had some really high highs, and it also has had what feels like a never ending low.

This year was full of some absolutely amazing highs! But with those great moments, came a lot of dark valleys for me. I wanted to spend this last day reflecting on those moments, and writing down how I am feeling right now.  My goal is to look back on those and know that I have grown as a person.

Obviously the very best thing to happen this year is welcoming our sweet baby boy. He has been such a joy! He is a really good baby! He’s already 11 weeks old and I feel so emotional thinking about how fast time is going. Quicker than it ever has. I feel pretty well, but I am definitely not loving the way my body looks. I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. I see pictures come up in my time hop memories and I feel physically ill at the shape of my body now. Yes, my three kids are SO WORTH it. But feeling unsatisfied with myself doesn’t take away from my love for them.

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Another huge life event for us was moving back home to the central coast. I can’t even explain to you how happy that made me! Our little house is just perfect for us right now, and I’m so grateful! Ww have THEE best neighbors around, and we are in a great location. I felt extremely isolated in San Diego. I am thankful for our time there, but I was starting to lose sight of all the good in my life because I fell into a dark hole of loneliness. I think the biggest surprise for me though, was that moving back home was not an immediate fix to that feeling. I thought it would be, but I was wrong.  We were home, my family and friends are here, but I still found myself sitting on my couch staring around at the bomb that went off all throughout out my house. I was still stuck as a stay-at-home-mom. I know I am insanely blessed to have the opportunity and the financial stability right now to not have to work. There is some days where I long for work. I long for time away to just be an adult. To be Becca. Because honestly I feel like I have lost sight of who I am. Of what I like.

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We (read that Aaron) had a really great year business wise. He did a beautifulll array at a local cooling facility. I am so proud of him because he works really really hard. And he is also around for us as much as he can be. But even though he has worked from home since we moved, I still feel like we hardly spent time together. Probably because we went on maybe 5 dates alone since June. That’s not even one a month. We have argued a lot, we (I) have over reacted often, and we just aren’t as close as we should be. We are really good in the fact that we made the choice to spend forever together. Neither of us are perfect humans, we never will be, and life is just plain hard sometimes.  Having 3 young kids, a business, trying to have a social life with family/friends, and trying to keep our marriage first has been pretty difficult. This stage in life, its exhausting. At least I feel that way. I have yelled way too often, I have said way too many hurtful things, I have had zero patience, and I spent way too much of this year being bitter. I know that a lot of my anger comes from my anxiety. I hate it, but it’s just the way I react. I am so much more aware of it now than I have ever been.

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I know this post is probably a bit baffling. Like why list all your blessings if you are just going to turn then in to negatives.  Well that’s probably because I spent most of the year living in the negative. I hated myself a lot this year. I hated my looks, the way I wifed, the way I mothered, my lack of closeness with my family and friends. I am listing the way I feel because I am determined to grow from them. I refuse to spend another year locked up in my house. I refuse to spend every day feeling alone.  I’ve already taken steps toward bettering my life. I will be waking up early to spend time in the Word. To pray. To be more intimate and honest with God. I am searching for a date night baby sitter. I have a new general physician. I am seeing a therapist. I am planning a bi-weekly moms night in.

 

My cup is overflowing. I know it, I feel it, I appreciate it. It can only go up from here. Cheers to 2018. Cheers to growth. Cheers to you my dear loved ones <3.

 

By grace through faith,

Becca