Struggles

Lately, I’ve been struggling. Somewhere along the road, I seem to have lost myself. This isn’t new information to me. I’ve been lost many times before. Perhaps it’s time that I find my home again.

May is a big month in my life. The 9th  of this year marks 4 years since I met my husband.  The 23rd is also the 4 year anniversary of my baptism, and the day I knew I loved Aaron.

I was totally crushing on this {older} guy in my bible study.  I spoke to him earlier in the day, and told him I was being baptized. He was sweet and kind, and brought some of our study friends to watch it. And he then held a BBQ in my honor after. Ain’t that just the cutest thing? One day I’ll delve in to this day more, but for now, it’s just an added little bonus about the wonderful heart of my man.

Anyway, in February of that year, I was going through one of the biggest heart breaks of my life.  I was engaged before I met my husband, and because of a really awful choice I made, that relationship was ended.  I never thought I would feel happy again.  But the truth is, I wasn’t happy.  I was more lost then, than I had ever been in my life.  I so badly wanted to seek God, but I was more interested in being loved by people.  I did things I didn’t want to do, because I was afraid of backlash. I was afraid I would not be interesting if I didn’t do what people (men mostly) wanted from me.  I had become someone I did not recognize.  I had absolutely no idea who I was.  My identity was completely erased, and I had become “whoever the person I was with wanted me to be.”

That is no way to live.  And while that heart break was so painful, those days after were so dark, I made the choice that I was done trying to configure my own life.  Everything I’d ever done leading up to this point in my life was wrong.  And I’m so thankful for God’s grace and mercy. Without that, who knows where I would be.  The most likely scenario is someone who is really deep in drugs and alcohol, and very used and abused by people. Because those things were the only way for me to escape. Of course as we all know, that only lasts for the duration of the drunken night, it only lasts for the length of that high.  You always have to go back for more.

More. That was the word of my life.  More boys, more mistakes.  More drinks, more hangovers.  More drugs, more guilt. As you can see, it was just a vicious cycle.  But then it became more God, more Jesus.  And that was THE BEST high I’d ever felt.  I needed more.  I HAD TO have more! But somewhere along the line, I’ve lost that overpowering need, that overpowering want for more of God.  And there lies the problem.

I had never felt so whole in my entire life. After that day of baptism, I felt like nothing could touch me. I felt like my life finally had meaning! And I yearn for that feeling again. I yearn for that deep drive down inside me that just has to have Jesus, the need for His word! Where did it go?

I will start by saying I absolutely, 1 million percent love my family. I have probably the kindest and most loving person on the planet as my husband.  I have two of the most incredible little people as my children.  Even our dog is the best dog ever!! But I can’t just be Aaron’s wife.  I can’t just be Shiloh and Solomon’s mom.  I can’t just be that lady with the labradoodle (people, she’s a Goldendoodle 😜). I’ve lost my drive for Jesus.  I’ve lost that fire within my soul.  And it’s not anyone’s fault but my own. But I’m just going to be honest.  I am overwhelmed with life. I have forgotten to take the time to read my Bible every morning because the only time I have to just sit and be alone is in the morning, which is when I used to do my study time. Now with kids, it’s my alone time.

Alone. Y’all I was the queen of being alone. I had mastered how to “look like I’m having a great time in a room full of people” but the truth was I was hurting so deeply inside and wanted nothing more than to run away and hide. I have the most wonderful siblings and some of the best friends in the world. Some I’ve known since I was a very young girl. I love them with all my heart. But I’ve done a great disservice to them. I’ve never let them in. Not completely. Not fully. I’ve never been just me. I’ve been who I though they wanted to me. And the few times they’ve seen the glimpses inside of me, they weren’t fun. They were full of tears and drunken stupors. But they’ve stuck by me and I’m forever grateful for them. I rarely ever am alone anymore. Like, at all. I did get a little mommy time last week, but I could really go for some more 🙌🏼. Even though I know I would spend the whole time wishing I was back home, it would still be nice to get a Target trip without two little and one big following me around asking me if I’m done yet (but I still love going with you babe).

I feel as if I may be getting off track and completely rambling, so please bear with me.  I feel like I have a point, but I lost it. Imagine that 😂.

I guess what I’m getting at is, life just gets too much sometimes. I’m buried in dishes, piles of laundry, toys, poopy diapers, doctors appointments, bills, wife duties, mommy duties, I feel that overwhelming feeling of just hoping the earth will swallow me up and leave me alone.  I don’t like this feeling.  I don’t know who I am.  Becca is once again lost.  And while it’s not anyone’s fault but my own, I’d really love a break to go and find her.  I used to spend hours sitting on the pier, Bible in hand.  Switching off reading and just staring out at the waves.  I feel guilty when I find myself longing for those moments again. But life was much simpler then, and I don’t think it’s a total sin to miss the days when life was just about me, and if I screwed myself up, it didn’t matter. Now when I screw up, 3 other people’s lives are affected.

My point of this isn’t to say “woe is me, life is hard, feel bad for me, wah wah wah.” It’s a reminder to myself that I’m lost because I’m trying to please the world again. I’m posting pictures of my husband and my kids and saying “look at how prefect my life is. Look I made these kids, I’m so great, everything is good, you all should like me.”  I look at my life, my “friends” on Facebook. My “followers” on Instagram.  None of that matters. None of it. Not even a little bit.  Like the amount that any of that stuff matters is so minimal I can’t think of anything to compare it to.  Then why does it feel so important?

As I’m typing this, one of my favorite worship songs just came on.  It’s called Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher. It says “when I can not stand, I’ll fall on You”. Coincidence? I think not. “My one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need you.”  This is literally what I’m trying to say. Eventually I will stop rambling, and this is what I will be saying.  I have let go of how much I need Him. I am allowing myself to be influenced by what this world is telling me is important. I feel lost because there is a spiritual battle going on inside myself. To be liked, or to be LOVED. I am trying so hard to be the perfect wife and mom, that I’m Fallon so incredibly short, it just makes me hate myself more. I spent most of my life fighting to be liked, when all I really ever needed to know was that I am LOVED. I am loved by the King of Kings.  I am the daughter of the King #thatmakesmeaprincessduh 👑! I will never be the prettiest, the skinniest, the amazing PTA mom who can hold three kids and two trays of gluten free, dairy free brownies (which I would never make because give me all the cows milk and fat, am I right?) but it’s okay. I don’t need to be that person.  I only need to be me.  Fully there for the ones I love and who love me.

I am encouraging myself, I am encouraging any of you, we must remember that we are not lost, we are not alone.  We are saved.  We have everlasting life.  This life, in the grand scheme of things, it really means nothing. Some of us will die young, some of us will live to be very old and we won’t be able to wait for the day we can leave these bodies. We must take heart in knowing that the battle has already been won. So what if we are never “instagramfamous”. Or if we are never real famous either. I look in front of me and I see the sweetest little angel face boy sleeping in his rock and play.  I am famous in his eyes. I am his favorite person.  I am not a lost soul to him.  I can also hear my favorite girl in her crib, not napping of course, because she hates naps. If I do everything wrong as a mother, that’s okay. My goal is to make sure my kids never feel that lost feeling.  My goal is to raise them to know that He has their back no matter what.  There will be times when their lives seem stuck in a rut, as mine does sometimes.  But the best thing we can do in those times is to dive deeply, whole heartedly, with all we have in to His word and let those promises give us the acceptance we are searching so hard for in others.

I am challenging myself to find that quiet time again.  Find that rest in the pages of the ultimate book.  Find that peace that consumes all the other poop. Because that’s what the stress of trying to be who the world says you should be is. It’s poop. And I already have enough poop in my life right now to last a lifetime.

I really went all over the place with this today.  But I guess that’s okay when you’re not a blogger. I’m just a wife, mom, sister, daughter- in- law, aunt, friend, and human, trying to make my way through this life. But I know that above all those, I am forgiven.  I am accepted.  I am loved.  I am free. I am never alone.  The little things are worth something in the eyes of the Lord. Even dishes, laundry, picking up the same mess for the ten thousandth time.  It’s all in His name. He’s blessed me abundantly.  It’s so easy to forget that when I feel like my life has lost its meaning.  Being a wife and a mom can be lonely you guys.  I don’t have many people I see or hang out with. It’s mostly just the kids and I at home, waiting for my man to get here so I can take a small break and look at my phone without someone interrupting me. Go to the bathroom without being followed or screamed at. But it’s the only things I’ve ever been really good at.  The only thing I’ve ever aspired to be.  And I made it.

At times I may feel like a lost sheep, but the ultimate shepherd is here to guide me back home.

By grace through faith,

Becca

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