Sometimes I suck. Like, at writing this blog. I have a lot of excuses as to why I suck at it, but the truth is I’m just terrible at time management. It is something I’m really working hard on.
Sometimes I suck at running a household. The dishes pile up, the laundry piles up, and the amount of toys and other clutter spread throughout my house is insanely out of control. I have a million excuses as to why I didn’t get anything done, but the truth is, I’m lazy. And I do have 2 kids under 2, so yeah, that is hard.
Sometimes I suck at being a good wife. The truth is, my husband cooks 99% of the time. I don’t have any excuses as to why. I don’t know how to cook, and I don’t want to learn. I don’t want to learn because I don’t like learning new things. The reason for that is because I have a deep rooted fear of failure. A fear of not being good. It comes out as a very competitive attitude, but really, I’m afraid to suck. It’s followed me around my whole life. I’m sure some people would be surprised by my lack of self confidence, I think I hide it well.
Sometimes I suck at being a mom. There are days where I spend way too much time on my phone, whether it be social media, texting, or just browsing the internet. The truth is, I long for more real, raw friendships. I hope for more grown up time. But the truth truth is, I am so afraid to put myself out there. I am afraid of rejection. I fear the attention, the personal questions, the awkward beginning of all new relationships.
Sometimes I suck at following Jesus. I could make up a billion excuses, but the truth is, there is none. Some days I have zero patience with my kids, with my husband. Some days I literally explode and scream at them all for now reason. I could say that “I can’t control my temper.” And while it does feel that way sometimes, it is absolutely not the truth. I can control it. It takes effort, and there’s times when I just don’t care, where I don’t want to try. It feels good to be depressed and angry at times. It feels good to just be a jerk. The effort of controlling myself is too much for me to want to do. I also can’t remember the last time I got in to the Word. I have made no time lately to do any Bible studying. I can feel it. My body and my mind are clouded. My fuse went from fairly short to non existent. I can absolutely tell when I am far from God. So can my husband. I can not continue to live my life this way. The negative effect it will have on my marriage and my children is too big of a burden to bare.
It’s not easy to admit this stuff out loud. Even if no one ever reads this, I will know it’s “out there.” I have been a slave to my anger, my sadness, my temper, my fears, my worries, my past, for far too long. I am so ready to move forward. I have said this for so long, I’ve said I so badly want to move away from my past. But the truth is, I’m extremely afraid to let it go. Who will I be when I resurface on the other side? What will I have to hold on to? What will I use an excuse for my poor behavior? I’ve been hurt by people I loved, I have been hurt by people I thought would protect me. But the truth is, I am always loved and I am always protected.
I have a husband and 2 sweet babies to hold on to. I will no longer need excuses for my lack of self control. Sometimes I will still suck, because as humans we all suck sometimes. And when I finally work up the courage to give away my complete heart and soul, I will have Him to love me, and Him to protect me.
When I started this post today, I really had no idea where I would go with it. Honestly, I just wanted to make a post because it had been so long since I updated it. Apparently I just felt like sharing how much I am lacking in all facets of my life. But the good news is, everyday is new, and you can always change. We have the potential to become a better version of ourselves everyday. I hope that today is the day I plan to pick up the broken pieces of mine, and run head on as fast as I can in to the arms of the ones who love me.
This is real life. Sometimes I suck at it. But I am so blessed, and I am so thankful for the opportunity to grow everyday. His mercies are new every morning.
By grace through faith,