More Chaos More Peace

This morning has been something special. My baby boy is 5 weeks old today, and that wonderful smile is forming across his face.  It is the sweetest thing ever!

His big sister wanted to see it for herself. She was standing above him saying “hi brother!” And of course my mommy heart melted. He proceeded to smile the biggest smile I’ve seen yet, and coo at her. I then became a giant puddle on the floor. I’m still not sure I’ve recovered fully back in to my human self.

As I saw this sweet exchange between the two little humans I created, I felt such peace and worth wash over me. To say life with two under two is a challenge would be an understatement, but it is SO worth it! The past few nights have been long, but it is SO worth it!! I have always wondered what my “calling” in life is. And I’ve found it. It’s being a mother.

There’s times when they’re both crying, both needing me at the same time. Trying to decide between which of your children you will comfort first is not easy. Do I pick up my daughter first so she knows that she is still important, so she knows she still matters? Or do I pick up my newborn son because all he knows is me? How can such a simple task seem so daunting? Finding the balance is going to be a lifelong challenge.

My babies will grow up only remembering having each other. But I will remember having only one. I will remember how much we doted on her. Deep down my insecurity is that she will remember that too. And she will resent me for it. Will she think I replaced her? That she wasn’t good enough? That we wanted someone better? As I think this, I know it isn’t true. But I also know that I am only human, and there will be moments where I fail her, where I fail them both. That is where the love of Jesus comes in. My job as their mom and their friend is to teach them the love of God. That with humans it is impossible, but with God all things are possible! He will never leave them nor forsake them.

I love the chaos of two small kids. I also love the peace of bed time :). I watched the bond between them form before my eyes today, and I’ve never been so grateful for these blessings. The bad days will come, but the good will always outnumber the bad because I have them. Forever thankful.

By grace through faith,

Becca

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